Today I was asked to help write a “Personals” ad. Now this wasn’t your run of the mill personals ad, this one was just a little whacked. And hey, I do whacked!!
The story behind the ad is that this family’s Christmas presents last year from the Grandparents was burial plots for them and their spouses, current or future. The young lady I wrote this for had made a comment to her Mom, after visiting with her Grandparents to assign the plots to each person, about putting an ad in the paper announcing what a catch she was with her burial plots. I have changed the 16 year old girl’s name and where she lives to protect her secret desire for senior citizens!
FYI, the family I wrote this ad for is the same people I wrote the banker’s letter for. You gotta love repeat business. I’m glad they find me funny and creative and not looney tunes and psychotic. Or maybe they do but they don’t want to have me put away in the pink satin padded room just yet because they have more stuff they want me to write first. Hhhhmmmm …. Come to think of it, every time I’ve been served food by them I’ve only been allowed to use a spoon, never a fork or a knife. Let me tell you, eating steak with a spoon is a little difficult. I’ve also noticed that when I enter a room they all scurry to the centre of the room far away from the corners and not one of them has ever turned their back on me. Whenever I’ve been introduced to someone new in their family I’ve noticed that they whisper the same thing. I think it may be Pig Latin they are speaking but I’m not sure and I’m not fluent in it so I don’t know for sure what they’re saying. If anyone can figure this out please let me know. “Eshay isay uckedfay inay ethay eadhay. Eshay isay otnay ablestay. Ebay arefulcay.” A beautiful sounding language whatever it is, but I’m clueless as to the meaning. Oh well, it’s probably just my imagination running wild on me. I’m sure it’s nothing but good stuff.
Anyways, here’s how the ad reads:
HAVE BURIAL PLOTS, NO NEED TO TRAVEL FAR FOR LOVE 
I’m a young, vibrant sexy single 16 year old gal living the good life in southern Alberta who is not getting any younger. I’m looking for a geriatric gentleman who is aged well, but isn’t senile. I’m wanting to hook up with an oldish man who is just barely past his prime that isn’t afraid to party himself to death, literally, and is in need of a burial plot.
I like reading large print books, watching reruns of the Andy Griffith show, snacking on apple sauce, collecting stamps, playing bingo and cribbage, having scooter races and taking naps. My idea of a dream date is sharing a romantic evening with an over the hill hunk snuggled under the electric blanket on my Sears-O-Pedic bed, sipping prune juice and rubbing liniment on each other.
I prefer vintage gents that still have all their teeth or at least a decent set of dentures. Having a generous bank account would be a bonus as the price of liniment is on the rise these days. I’m not into head rugs, but there’s no need to have a full head of grey hair because bald is fine by me! It would be preferable if you have your own walker and scooter with a side car. Speaking of transportation, having a higher end car to transport you around with would be a plus as I do have my driver’s license.
I am interested in a speedy marriage. However, I will require the lucky elderly fellow to sign a pre-nup to ensure, if need be, that I inherit his cash in exchange for the burial plot. The burial plots were a Christmas present every young teenager wants to get from their Grandparents and they are near and dear to my heart so I would like to keep them in the family (or at least be paid out for one). If you’re not sold yet on my personality, the location of the plots and the fabulous view from them should be enough to seal the deal. I would not be willing to move as my burial plots are here in High River and are non-transferable to other cemeteries.
If you’re a gentleman who is advanced in age living in High River and is willing to get a little randy with this young whipper-snapper, give me a call. Would hook up with twins as I have an older sister who has her own set of plots!
Ancient Adult Loving Amanda 403-696-7568 (OWN-PLOT)
