I know, I know. It’s been WAAAAAAY too long since I’ve posted anything new. Sometimes “life” happens and you find that you just don’t feel like yourself for a little while. But I’m like a boom-a-rang, I always come back around. FYI – I apologize if the font is a little small, it’s a WordPress issue that we can’t seem to figure out. I find it helps to just change the zoom level from 100% to 150%. Give it a whirl!!
Anyone who knows me knows that I have a love for pens. People have tried to tell me that it’s a real “issue” but as far as I’m concerned it’s not an issue. I’m fine with it, it’s just those who don’t understand the beauty of these fine writing instruments cannot truly appreciate how special they are and therefore can’t love them like I do and decide that it’s now an issue. If only people would open their minds and let the beauty and exquisiteness of pens flow into their hearts like I have. It truly is a gift to have so many pens in my life. They’re with me when I’m writing happy stories, they’re with me when I’m pouring out my heart and soul when I’m writing sad things in my journal and they’re with me to offer support when I have to write a cheque and part with money. They’re always here for me.
Okay, so here’s the thing, I have this reoccurring nightmare that I let my family talk me into signing up for a 12 step program for my supposed pen addiction, but it doesn’t go so well. The first step is admitting you have a problem and frankly, I don’t! It’s not a problem, it’s a passion/love. There’s a big difference between the two. Anyways, once I get to the meeting I can see things are doomed right from the start. There’s this nerdly little I have a facial tick, my pants are way too short, I wear SAAN store velcro runners, I still live with my Mommy at 38 years old (I’m assuming) loser in charge and he asks us to take out whatever we brought for taking notes. What? No one told me we were going to take notes!! I was told to show up at 7:00 pm, bring my own artificial sweetener for coffee if I wanted it, bring Kleenex because it’s not in their budget to supply it and come with an open mind. No mention of note taking. The rat bastards!! See why this is a nightmare and not a dream?? Ggggrrrr……… thank goodness I carry a pen in my purse at all times. Phew! However, I will need to borrow some paper. As I am walking towards nerd boy to ask for paper I start riffling around in my purse for my pen. Panic sets in as I realize it isn’t anywhere to be found! What the heck? I ALWAYS have a pen on me. I must have been robbed. Yah, that’s the only explanation. I was probably a victim to one of them pick-pocket people. I remember that I had my pen out when I was jotting down our next coffee date in my little calendar while at Starbuck’s with a friend. I bet someone sitting close by saw my pen, fell in love with it and then snarfed it when I wasn’t looking. Damn them! I’m crushed, absolutely crushed. Again, see why it’s a total nightmare? Pen-napping is a serious offense and it often leaves the victim all torn up inside, a mere shadow of their former self. It’s very a tragic and traumatic event and it’s now happened to me. (Don’t feel the need to send a sympathy card or flowers, this didn’t happen in real life, it was just in my nightmare.)
I start taking some deep breaths and keep telling myself to be brave, that everything will be okay. I’m half hyperventilating when I ask the goober in charge if I could borrow some paper and a pen. He hands me half a dozen sheets of loose leaf paper from his stack first and I’m of course thinking that he would pull out a box of new pens from his briefcase, let me select one and tell me I could keep it in case I need it next week. Oh landy sakes, how wrong I was. He fishes around in his front right shit brown corduroy pant pocket and brings out three pens that are all missing their lids, have lint loitering around the tip and …… oh no. Oh HELL no! Are those seriously teeth marks on the ends of them? It is. Dun dun dun (it’s supposed to sound all evil and dramatic when you say it). I start to feel faint and throw up in my mouth a little bit as he hands me one. Who knows how many people have touched it before me. And how am I supposed to know if the person who chewed on it was in a 12 step program for constantly scratching his ass crack with foreign objects then chewing on them??? Hey, it could happen. There are some real freaks and geeks out there these days. Eeeewwww! Another thought pops into my head. Well, it’s was more of a mental picture than a thought. And let me tell you, it’s not a pretty picture at all. It’s uglier than Marilyn Manson and Jocelyn Wildenstein’s love child (if they ever had one) and it’s scarier than Child’s Play, the Exorcist and Psycho combined. Ha ha, I bet you just Googled to see who Jocelyn Wildenstein is. Didn’t you? Anywhoooo, I envision good old drip-o-lot-amus using the pen in his pocket to scratch his nasty junk. What if he has a hole in his pocket, the pen pokes through when he’s relieving his itch and the lint stuck on the end is “junk lint”? Aaack ack ack. Pardon me for a minute, thinking about it is making me gag ………………..Okay, I’m good again, I think. Back to the nightmare. I didn’t want to make a scene so I very quietly sit on the floor, lower my head between my knees and do some deep breathing. Once the lightheaded feeling goes away I rummage in my purse and pull out a handful of anti-bacterial wet wipes and two band-aids. I proceed to scrub the bloody hell out of the pen then wrap the band-aids around the end to cover where the pen had been gnawed on. I figure this is something McGyver would do, he’s smart. And the thing is, I just can’t stomach looking at the tooth marks for the next two hours. I’m a strong woman people, but not that strong. I then grab my little bottle of Bath & Body Works anti-bacterial hand gel I carry with me at all times and empty the entire 1oz bottle onto my hands and scrub vigorously like I’m trying to start fire between two sticks muttering to myself about needing to feel cleansed and being free of foreign spit, ass crack and junk lint germs. Good old Mr. Junk Scratcher comes over to me and asks if I was aware that this was not the support group for germaphobes, they meet at the hospital on Wednesday nights. I shoot him a less than friendly look and snap back, “I’m WELL aware of that thank you.” Smartass.
I somehow manage to make it through the next two hours without puking (except for the few times I did a little bit in my mouth) and not hitting someone. I feel that is a huge success! I give the dweeb his pen back and head home with my homework assignment. We have to list 16 ways that our “addiction” affects our life. This was not a very easy task I tell ya because it’s not an addiction! How many times do I have to say it?? I decide to humour everyone and do the assignment but, there’s another problem. I have no idea what colour of pen I should use! I want to use a colour that looks less looney tunes. You know what I mean? See, black might come across as a very sadistic/satanic colour, red looks like blood and could be construed as a murderess colour, gold might look a little too flashy, but silver might look like I would settle for second best when competing for a medal, pink might look way too girlie foo-foo, yellow makes me think of people eating yellow snow (ack ack), green looks like snot and brown might make it appear that I’m giving a “shitty” effort. Oh the agony of decision making. Just as I start to really panic I notice something. Huhn ……. I have 16 different colours of pens. Dark blue, light blue, black, red, pink, dark purple, light mauve, yellow, orange, light green, dark green, brown, grey, gold, silver and bronze. Oh snap! A different colour for each different way my life is affected. I wouldn’t look looney at all, I would look all bright and cheery! And that’s a good thing. Oh sugar nuggets. New problem. I can’t decide what order I should use the pens in. Should I use them according to the rainbow or alphabetically? Should I use the girl colours first because I’m a girl or use the boy colours first because I don’t want to look sexist? And what should I do if one of the 16 points was five lines long and the next one is only two lines? Would it look like I’m favouring one colour over the other because I used it for more writing? I wake up thinking about how I’m going to need a new support group, one that deals with equality issues. Sigh …………. that’s my reoccurring nightmare.
I do have dreams, good dreams. They usually involve me frolicking through fields of corn stalks but instead of having ears of corn on them they have pens! All different brands and colours of pens. I tend to wake up weeping with pure joy after one of these dreams, but then my tears of joy turn to tears of sadness when I realize it really was just a dream. Sigh ……….. I know, I sigh a lot. But hey, it’s better than always saying “F$&% ……….”. Right? Anyways, let me tell you about a dream that did come true for me involving my love for Zebra brand pens. This is the email I sent to the company:
About a year ago I found the Frisha pens at the Dollarama store here in Lethbridge, Alberta. They had the blue and green ones and I snatched up a good supply of them. I was so sad last week when I realized I was on my last one of each colour. It was very upsetting, I was afraid I might end up in the ER requiring strong tranquilizers to help ease the panic I was feeling. I somehow managed to deal with my grief and made it through the week without requiring too much medication and booze. Then today I went into the new Dollarama store here in town and guess what I found? More Frisha pens!!! I grabbed a handful of packages, dropped to my knees in the middle of the aisle kissing them ferociously and struggled to keep the tears of pure joy from flowing out of my eyes like a faucet. My 12 year old son was just slightly mortified at my display. Poor kid! I’m sure he’ll get over it and if not he can always go for therapy. I grabbed black ones, the pink with the red ink and the teal with the blue ink. A year ago I had no idea the black, pink and teal barreled pens even existed. It was like Christmas in February for me. However, I was terribly dismayed to discover there were no packages of green ones. It felt as if someone had sucker punched me in the gut. No green?!?!?!?! I should mention that I’m a little bit obsessive compulsive and having full sets of things bring me great joy and relief. So no green pens was very unsettling. I came home and googled the Frisha pens and have come up completely empty handed. I can’t find any information on them, only the mechanical pencils. Are they not being made any longer? Please ……. say it ain’t so!!
FYI, I almost peed my pants when I saw the Z-Grip Daisies and the Max Bold in the fashion colours on the website. I do have the Z-Grips in the different colours, I have two complete sets at work, a set of minis in my purse, a set in my kitchen, a set in my den at home and just in case something happens unexpectedly I have a complete set still in the package in my filing cabinet. I know, that’s a lot of pens, but I love them! I do have a half dozen of both the blue and black in the Z-Grip Max ones. And the Ola pens, again, I have multiple sets of them in all my necessary spots. The only thing that’s missing in my neurotic little mind are the green Frishas, the Daisies and the Max Bolds. After googling them I am left feeling crushed because I can’t find them in any stores in Canada and I can’t find any websites that I can order them from. It’s like someone took my heart out of my chest, threw in on the floor and stomped on and told me I can’t have the pens I NEED in order to keep me out of the looney bin.
So, I’m begging you …… please help me!! Please please please!!! I need these pens. I will give you my first born (and only) child if you help me. I do admit that my son may be slightly damaged goods as he may require that therapy I was telling you about earlier. But he’s a really good looking kid and he’s really smart too!! Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding. He’s not that smart!! Ha ha, just kidding again. You can’t really have my son but hey, it’s the thought that counts. Right?
Honestly, I’m not sending this via the internet in the Psych Ward, I do roam the streets of Lethbridge freely scouring the stores in search of my much desired pens. I hope to hear from you soon!! And I really hope you can steer me in the right direction.
So, a couple of days later I see that the company has emailed me back. Wahoo! It’s an email that I will never forget for as long as I live. I found myself trembling with excitement as I opened the message. I just kept thinking in my head, “Please please please! Tell me where I can order these pens from. Please!” It turns out that it was a good new bad news kind of email. Sadly, my Frisha pens are not being made any longer and they don’t even have any in their warehouse. Sniffle sniffle ……. pardon me a minute while I mourn this loss yet again. It tears me up inside and leaves me feeling verklempt every time I think about it. But, like I said, there was good news too!! I’m getting goose bumps all over remembering the rush I felt when I first read those beautiful words that were sent to me. The very nice lady, Veronica, told me all about the new pens that are available in Canada. I was wondering how long I would have to wait until they made it here to Lethbridge or at least come available on line for me to order. Then she typed the words that I never thought I would read in my lifetime. This is right out of her email: Let me know if you would like some samples of this new product to hold you over until you can purchase them yourself. If you are interested, please provide an address of where you would like them to be sent. If I am interested? IF I AM INTERESTED?? Hell, not only was I interested but my friggin’ nipples got hard just thinking about it!! How cool is that eh?
She did just as she said, she sent me one of every new Zebra pen! Actually, that’s a lie. I got two each of the purple and green Sarasa pens. When the package came in the mail it was now Christmas in March for me, I seem to be having a lot of extra Christmas days and they all involve Zebra pens!! When I checked the mail and saw the package I almost peed my pants, I was THAT excited. I ripped the package open savagely like a hungry lion would rip open the carcass of his kill after not eating for a week. Yup, it was pretty intense. I think I might have even let out a lioness roar at one point. Then the water works started. The tears of joy and happiness. I wanted to get as close as possible to my new pretties so I laid on my bed naked, held the pens up high above myself and let them drop on me one by one, slowly caressing my body as they slid off me and onto the bed. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but in hindsight it wasn’t too smart. The large Expandz pen (which is a heavy-ish metal pen) came straight down and pierced my nipple! That hurt like a son-of-a-gun, yowzas! Even though the pen almost punctured my boob I still love it to pieces! The big Expandz is pink and the mini one, oh yah I said mini one, is black. Anything mini is just so cute!! Like my mini Tupperware Shape-o-ball and mixing bowl key chains, they’re just freakin’ adorable. Back to the pens, they are the coolest pens EVER. You have to gently pull at the two ends to make it full size and the writing part of it comes out. They have a kind of mysteriousness to them, you can’t decide what exactly they are. Are they big or are they little? Big or little? Big or little? They kind of have a bit of a split personality thing going on. One minute they want to be big, the next thing you know they decide to be little. Personally I don’t care if they have mental issues, I do too, we get along great. When I’m bored or have writer’s block I can play peek-a-boo with them!! It’s great fun I tell ya. “Where’s the inky ink?” Pull out ….. “Oh! There it is! Peek-a-boo!” Push it in ….. “Where did my little inky go?” Pull out …… “Peek! You’re such a big pen aren’t you. Goochy goochy goo.” Aaaahhhh … such good memories of my first days with them.
My multi coloured Floral Z-Grips are such a mood lifter. They’re just so bright and cheery and I love being able to write in different colours. Even though the pens themselves were free it still ended up costing me a bit of cash. See, they are so pretty they make the perfect accessory for any stylin’ kind of gal like me, providing you have the shirts and eyeshadows to match the pens to. Unfortunately, I didn’t. I ended up working kind of ass backwards and had to go and buy some new clothes and make-up to match the pens. About $210 later I look just fab-u-lous writing with my floral pens. Helloooooo!!! Who’s the hot housewife now? Oh yah, you know it, it’s me.
Okay, so Veronica also sent me a package of these animal print pens. They are way beyond cool! The different prints they come in are cow, giraffe, tiger, leopard and zebra. I decided I wouldn’t try to match them up with outfits because if I donned a zebra print outfit that would be one big ass zebra people! What I decided instead was that I could buy a whole whack load of the pens and take them with me on an African safari. I could clip a whole bunch of the tiger ones on myself and could be nicely camouflaged out in the wild. Pretty smart thinking eh? And I would have a nearly endless supply of ink for writing about my African safari adventure in my vacation journal. Damn spanky, what a great idea folks. I would however have to be on my toes in case there are hunters out and about and they mistake me for the wildlife. It might not feel so good getting shot. Huhn …… I wonder though if the metal on the clip part would be strong enough to deflect the bullets? How awesome would that be? I would blend in with the wildlife well enough I could avoid getting eaten alive and have bullet proof armour to protect me from the hunters all at the same time. Wow, I am SOOOOOOO friggin’ smart! Some days I even manage to amaze myself.
The other day, a month after I got my pens in the mail, I was in Wal-Mart and saw the Floral Z-Grips. I was so excited because now I can buy some for work too. There was this chick standing beside me and she saw them too. She went all squirly begging her Mom to buy them for her, she said she just HAD to have them. Aaaaawwwwww…….. a mini me!! I looked at her and gave her a once over, gave my head a little flip and said, “Yah, cute eh? I’ve had mine for awhile now. See, I got the inside track on them babies.” Her Mom gave me a weird look, grabbed the girl’s arm and yanked her away from me. How rude!! We were bonding!! Yup, Zebra pens, bridging the generation gap two people at a time.
