I know, it’s been a LONG time since I posted a new story, but I do have a very good reason why. I’ve been waffling back and forth between being either drunk or hung over and that’s left me a little less than able to type. See, we’ve been buying a lot of beer lately due to necessary obligations and have ended up with some extras that needed to be drank which has gotten us a little tipsy here and there and inevitably just a little groggy the next morning every now and then which leaves a person performing not quite up to par and either your work or personal life can end up suffering and since I like my job and don’t want to slack off there my personal life has been left on the back burner and one of the things that has fallen victim to my drunken sailor lifestyle has been my web page. I do apologize people.
I’m just kidding. Truthfully, I’ve been really busy at work and haven’t been drinking like a fish. That was a lie, but it sounded like fun didn’t it? Things are back to normal at work again, I’ve taken a few days to unwind and relax and now here I sit feeling all refreshed and ready to write!! Wahoo! I WAS telling the truth about buying lots of beer however. And it really was for a good reason, honestly!
A family friend (who is all grown up and moved out on her own now) was having her wedding shower back in the beginning of May. When shopping for a shower gift Merlin came with me to check out the happy couple’s registry at the Bay and we noticed that they had wanted this set of four acrylic patio beer steins. Well, we like beer, so we thought that was some kind of a sign and we decided to buy them. But they only wanted four and that didn’t seem like much. We then decided to get these cute little bowls that match and bought some peanuts to put in them to nibble on when drinking the beer out of their new steins. Always thinking, that’s me! We noticed that there just wasn’t any “pizzazz” to the gift still and figured that maybe it needed some beer to perk things up a little!! As per the norm, the gift is typically for the bride and the groom might get to enjoy it once he proves to his new bride that he can touch whatever it is without wrecking it. That being said, we decided that we would pick up beer for the groom to enjoy since the steins themselves might be out of his reach for the first few months at least. We didn’t want him to feel left out or unloved. Aren’t we kind? The problem was that we didn’t know what he would drink. I told Merlin that we should buy a case of Bud because they are life long, best buds! Aaaaawwwww ……… how sweet is that? But then I thought maybe we should pick up some Big Rock because it was the Big Rock he put on her finger that brought about this wedding and bridal shower. How witty of me!
Once I get started on the “sassy train” I can’t stop. I kept coming up with ways to use beer in quirky sentences, then that gave me an idea. Have you ever seen those stories people write using names of chocolate bars or laundry soap throughout? If you haven’t, trust me, they’re cute. I decided that I should write a story using names of beer and thought it would be cool to round as much of the beer as possible that I used in the story because everyone knows that a story is always so much better with props. As a bonus they would have lots of different beer to try out in their new steins. I didn’t get this brain wave until the night before the shower at about 9:00 p.m. so we found ourselves bombing around Lethbridge hitting almost every liquor store looking for beer. I’m sure we looked like total redneck, trailer park reject trash dragging our kid into the liquor store after his bedtime asking if we could buy ONE beer of a particular brand. Some store clerks looked at us like we had just rolled off the turnip truck, one dude got a little nervous as if we were going to shoot him if he didn’t cough up the single and some just laughed and said why not! Unfortunately we didn’t get all the beer we needed but instead we were able to get an empty tray or case and cut out the logo to have on hand and I only had to print pictures of three beer of the internet to ensure their presence at the shower. We actually manage to get just over half of the actual beers and I thought that was pretty good. In our search for the much needed beer I had to exercise my control over Merlin when he grabbed a Busch and a Thirsty Beaver beer and said he had a “great” idea. Um ……. I gave him a big fat nasty NO to that one. Sheesh!
After doing our little “presentation” at the shower (Merlin came and handed me the beer, a logo or a picture as I mentioned it) we were asked to do it again at the wedding since everyone seemed to get such a kick out of it. At that point we now had about a month and a half to collect the rest of the beer to present to them with the story. That’s when things got really fun because some beer we just couldn’t buy a single so darn it, we were forced to buy a six pack or a case. Shucks, sucks to be us, our fridge was getting SO full we had to drink the remaining beer in order to clear some room for food. It was just awful having to drink all that beer. Just awful! But we did have a little help gathering our props. We were at the bank one day meeting with our Financial Advisor Gail and we got to talking about our little plan. She thought it sounded pretty cool and offered to help us out. Apparently her daughter likes drinking different kinds of beer, especially the imported or not so run of the mill ones. As we were leaving the bank Gail needed to let us out because it was after hours. We’re standing in the entrance area saying our good byes and I asked Gail what she would like for the beer and she said nothing. She said it was just a few beer, nothing major and said that she would drop it off in our mail box one day that week so we should check our mailbox regularly. I thanked her and gave her a hug. I looked over Merlin’s shoulder and noticed this couple at ATM. The husband was looking at us with his mouth hanging open, I assumed her heard Gail telling us that she was going to give us free beer. I looked at him and said, “Yah …. if your banker doesn’t give you free beer …… you need to get a new banker!” The guy elbowed his wife and mumbled something that I would like to think went something like this, “What the hell! We don’t get beer from our banker, we’re switching banks tomorrow!!!” She just turned slightly and gave me a little glare/scowl out of the corner of her eye. Huhn, bite me! I can’t help it if your bank people are sticks in the mud and our lady is fun.
Low and behold, just a few days before the wedding we found a Big Rock, a Steam Whistle and an Alexander Keith’s beer in our mail box after work. Jackpot! Thanks Gail, you rock! We put all the beer in a big liquor box in order and put a sticky note with a number on it just to make sure we kept them in order and we were good to go. Now talk about looking like rednecks, we walked into the reception carrying an Axe Head beer box full of single beers. I’m sure it looked like we were not only too cheap to buy a beer at the bar but maybe retrieved these beer by a five finger discount and ended up with only one of each because it’s easier to smuggle out one in Merlin’s pants rather than six. One beer in the jeans looks like I’m a lucky wife (wink wink) but six would look like Merlin maybe has a medical issue that needs to be tended to or else he ate a whole box of Viagra and was proud to be strutting around past that “four hour mark”.
Here is the story I came up with, it’s my own little fairytale about young love. Aaaaawwww!!!! Don’t you just love fairy tales? I’ve changed the names of the innocent in order to protect their reputations. They are upstanding citizens in this community and having everyone know that they have befriended us might have them in a less than favourable light with some people. Ha ha ha, just kidding. I seriously did change their names so if you’re reading this and know who they are, I’m not on crack!! I changed the names on purpose. What I did was put each beer name in all caps and bolded it for those who are not beer drinkers and wouldn’t know one beer name from another. Sheesh, I went to all that work for probably only about five people. Doesn’t everyone drink beer? And yes, for all of you who don’t believe me, I’m not kidding when I tell you that I wrote this the night before the shower in about an hour. My brain is just naturally warped and whacked and this is the kind of stuff that floats around in there all time.
Once upon a time, there was a handsome young man named Jackson. One day when Jackson was hanging out with his friend SAMUEL ADAMS at the local BREWHOUSE he asked him if he knew where he should go to meet a nice young lady. Sam said he should head to OLD MILWAUKEE, so he hopped in his car and took a little road trip. But, Jackson thought the girls there didn’t really look like the kind he could take home to Mom so he came back home and told his friend that he had decided he needed to find himself a nice CANADIAN instead.
A few days later Jackson decided to head to BC and spend some time at his friend ALEXANDER KEITH’S cabin in the mountains and do a little fishing for KOKANEE. While on the riverbank one day Jackson looked up and saw this vision coming his way over the MOUNTAIN CREST. This beauty before him was Hailey. Well, one look at her and Jackson let out a slow STEAM WHISTLE and all he could manage to say was, “Aye CORONA!”
After hanging out for awhile Jackson decided he wanted Hailey to be more than just his BUD so he took her out on a real date. When he brought her home that night Hailey grabbed Jackson and snuck a little kiss behind the Henderson’s BUSCH. Jackson couldn’t believe what a little WILD CAT Hailey was. That date was followed by many more as the young couple fell in love. One day Jackson surprised his sweetheart Hailey and placed a BIG ROCK on her finger and asked her to be his wife. Hailey was so happy, she loved Jackson very much, so she said to him, “Oh my BIG BEAR, of COORS I will!”
When Hailey and Jackson announced their engagement to Hailey’s parents, Kathy and Terry, they were overjoyed. Kathy hugged Hailey and said, “We are so LUCKY to be getting such a wonderful son-in-law.” Terry shook Jackson’s hand and said, “Don’t forget young man that if you leave my little girl at the alter I’ll come after you with my COLT 45!” Oh my ……
Now Hailey and Jackson, this little fairy tale is far from over. It’s a love story that will surely last for many years to come and will be enjoyed by all of your family and friends that love you both.
We have one little piece of advice we would like to share with you about marriage. When you are first married it’s important to spend some time together, just the two of you, as husband and wife so you can discover many more new and wonderful things about each other. And to ensure it stays just the two of you for a little while at least, Hailey, don’t forget to take your PIL!!!!
Recently:
- Under The Influence Of Underwear
- Passion For Pens
- The Plots Thicken
- Condoning Cloning
- Nacho Neurosis
- BEAVERS
- I Don’t Live On Sesame Street People!!
- Being Thrifty Is Bad For My Health!!
- Neurotic Beer
- We’re Not AB-Normal!!
