Hellooooooo! It’s me! I’m back finally! I would like to say that I was off jet setting around the world or was somewhere in the Himalayan mountains reconnecting with my inner soul or doing some other cool spiritual/ethnic BS like that, but the truth is I’ve just been really busy, a little bit lazy, totally un-inspired and suffering from writer’s block. Due to popular demand by all my fans (code for I have no social life) I’m back with another story from my life to share with you. Please please please, you’re embarrassing me, hold your applause until the end.
Have you ever seen those Ab-Shocker things on TV? The infomercial says that all you have to do is attach these little sticky pads to your abs, turn the doo-hickey on, little shocks are “gently delivered” to your abs while you go about your everyday life and in a few short weeks you have the abs of a Greek God or Goddess. Well, that sounded pretty darn brilliant to us since we have such busy lives and don’t have time to do a few sit ups in the morning. So at 2:43 a.m. on a summer Sunday morning we whipped out our credit card and ordered ourselves an Ab-Shocker. Wahoo! We were on our way to firm, sexy abs in just a few short weeks. So a couple weeks later our new life changing purchase arrived in the mail and we couldn’t wait to give it a whirl. We poured over the instructions, right up to the point where it told us how to stick on the little patch thingys. It was at that point that we realized that we were geniuses and didn’t actually need to waste the next eight minutes reading the rest of the instructions. Boo-yah!!
I grabbed the Ab-Shocker machine, plugged in the wires, attached the four sticky pads to the ends of the wires, peeled off the backing on the pads and slapped them bad boys on my abs. I could already see those bitchin’ abs coming my way, I was psyched! In all my excitement I accidently turned the little knobby up to full blast, which was a total of 10 notches. Son of a beach nut!! Not only did that little jolt scare the livin’ crap out of me, but it was just a tad, um, well, harsher that I had expected. Did you ever have one of those weird little toys where there’s a character standing on a little box thing and when you push the bottom of it the character flops over all slackish and then snaps back up all rigid? That was me! Shlop flop (me buckling over) then zip (me boinging upright all rigid), then shlop flop, zip, shlop flop, zip. Yup, I lasted through three shocks of the Ab-Shocker and I had to shut the damn thing off. The hair on my arms was standing straight up and was all whacky, I had goose bumps all over me from head to toe and my heart was racing out of control. I told Merlin the piece of crap we just spent four easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling on was possessed and was going back immediately. What did my dear sweet loving husband say to me by way of support? “You’re a panty waist! Give it to me and I’ll show you how it’s done.” Nice, I wasn’t really feeling the love at this point. What I was feeling was after-shocks and an odd tingling feeling throughout my entire body. Well, except for my right boob, it was completely numb for some reason.
Merlin ripped his shirt off, threw it on the floor and grunted and growled like he was some sort of a cave-man. Whatever. He stuck the little sticky pads on his squishy, oh yah, I said it, squishy abdomen. He turned it on, only to the first notch I might point out, and said, “Sheesh, this is a breeze! You’re just a wimp. A wimpy girl! Not only do you throw like a girl, but you can’t handle a teeny tiny little shock, just like a GIRL!” Oh no he di’nt!!! That little rat bastard! I grabbed the controller and I cranked that sucker not only to the highest voltage notch but also to the fastest pulse rate. Mwah ah ah ah ahhhh! Merlin started flopping around flailing his arms, his legs were going all wonky on him and he sort of resembled a drunk rubber chicken on crack having seizures while trying to dance like Michael Jackson on a hot tin roof covered in cooking oil. It was quite a sight I tell ya. With his eyeballs bulging out, his nose running, his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth Merlin begged me to shut the Ab-Shocker off. I felt just awful! NOT!!! He called me a panty waist and made fun of me being a girl! I did what any other normal woman would do. I cranked that sucker up and down wildly laughing hysterically while shrieking with sinister school girl delight, “Dance white boy! Dance!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!” I noticed that Merlin was starting to sweat profusely as he was vibrating out of control. It was at that point that the Ab-Shocker started making this weird buzzing noise, and then there was a zapping sound that somewhat resembled the sound of a small kitchen appliance shorting out, it made a loud “POP” then it powered itself off. Oooops! Did I do that?
Merlin was somewhat disoriented, he was bouncing back and forth between the kitchen counters and he kept wailing, “Get it off me! Get it off! Get it off! Aaaahhhh! Get it off! Aaaaahhhhh! Get it off!!” After I quit laughing my friggin’ head off I corned Merlin by the sink and grabbed a hold of one of the wires and gave a gentle little tug. Well, the wire came out of the sticky pad and the sticky pad remained stuck to Merlin. Huhn. Who would’ve thought that those little sticky pads would stick to body hair so well. We later discovered that the instructions strongly recommended shaving any body hair before apply the sticky pads to your abdomen. I suppose that extra eight minutes of reading the instructions might not have been a total waste of time after all. As Merlin zig-zagged his way into the living room with rubbery legs he would do this odd little hop on his right foot every few steps while his left arm kept vibrating and slapping his side making this loud thwap at which time Merlin would let out a girlish sounding, “Eeep! Me hurts!” Again, I laughed like no person on the face of this Earth has ever laughed before. Merlin somehow made his way to the couch, laid down, had a massive twitch that registered about 8.7 on the Richter scale, rolled off the couch and flopped on the floor like a salmon out of water. Being the kind, loving, caring wife that I am I knelt beside my husband, leaned over, placed my hand gently on his abdomen, and whispered in his ear, “Who’s the panty waste now be-otch?” while I recklessly ripped all four of the sticky pads off him taking bushels of his body hair with them. Revenge is “sa-weeeeet”!
After laying on the living room floor for about an hour while twitching/shivering/vibrating off and on I tried to convince Merlin to go to the ER. But for some reason he wouldn’t go. I suppose that was a wise decision. Imagine trying to convince the ER doc that I didn’t actually tazer him in some sort of domestic dispute or weird married couple sex fantasy. Although, I might be able to convince the doc that I was just trying to shock life back into “little Merlin”. Nah, it’s just not nice to insult your husband’s man hood. But shock the shit out of him with an Ab-Shocker, that’s just, um, nothing! Yah, nothing to even think twice about.
We ended up sending the Ab-Shocker back for a full refund, minus the shipping and handling, claiming it “did not meet our expectations”. But I found that it was the experience as a whole that was a gift that kept on giving so to speak. For months afterwards I could totally freak Merlin out by sneaking up behind him and going, “Zzzzzzzzttttt!” He would jump and scream like, oh yah, you know it, A GIRL!!!! One time when he really ticked me off I shuffled around the house building as much static as I could and I came up behind him, reached under his legs and up in his shorts and zapped “little Merlin”! It sent him to the floor in the fetal position crying, sucking his thumb and begging for his Mommy. Who’s the panty waist now bitch!!!! Zzzzzzzzzttttt!!!!!!
Recently:
- Under The Influence Of Underwear
- Passion For Pens
- The Plots Thicken
- Condoning Cloning
- Nacho Neurosis
- BEAVERS
- I Don’t Live On Sesame Street People!!
- Being Thrifty Is Bad For My Health!!
- Neurotic Beer
- We’re Not AB-Normal!!
