A couple of weeks ago our son, Brandt, was at a friend’s place having a sleep over, it was a Tuesday night. You wanna know what’s so awesome about Tuesday nights? It’s cheap night at the Movie Mill!!! Yay!! The Movie Mill has movies that are out of the theatre and are typically not yet out on DVD (unless it’s a retro night and they have something like Top Gun or Grease showing). When Merlin and I go to the Mill we get our tickets, a large popcorn with one free refill and two large pop that both have a free refill as well, and it only costs us $18.00! It’s one heck of a deal. And trust me, never in my entire life have I ever had popcorn that was better than the Movie Mill’s. It’s soooooooo beyond delicious, it’s almost sinful!! Yup, that dang good people. Anyways, since it was a Tuesday and the brat wasn’t home we decided to have a date night and go see a movie.
When we had decided to go to the movie I had already changed out of my work clothes and was in my nightie because I had decided to wash a load of dark clothes and everything I wore to work was dark and needed to go in the washer. Not like it really matters but yes, even my undies are dark. They’re black, all of them. Why black? Like duh!! Black is a slimming colour and as I’ve said before, if I’m ever in an accident and the medics have to cut my clothes off I’m hoping the black ginch will work in my favour. I would hope that one medic would point out to the other, “Yo! Check it out Bob. For a plus size gal she sure has a nice slim looking butt.” Even if I was missing a limb and was bleeding to death hearing that would really make my day. I also like to wear just plain black butt covers because the so called “cute” plus size undies aren’t actually cute, they’re pretty scary to tell you the truth. The regular size “cute” ones might have a sweet, silly looking cow with crossed eyes and knock knees. Awwww, how adorable! But, when the geniuses at the clothing company make the same underwear in plus sizes they can’t stick to just one charming little cow. Oh no, they have to instead plaster about 30 goofy looking cows with crossed eyes and knock knees all over the front and the ass of the underwear. So instead of being a “cute” pair of undies you now have a big ass pair of drawers with what looks like a feedlot for dim-witted, out of commission, “special” cows. Yeesh!! Neon skivvies are definitely out of the question too. In a petite little size 3 they are “fun”! But in a plus size they’re a bloody lighthouse beacon. It would be horrible if again, I was in an accident and the medics cut my clothes off and got blinded by all that neon fabric. Who would drive me to the hospital? I suppose a passer-by could plant me on the top of their vehicle, big ass side up, and the glow from my ass tarp would definitely let people know we were a comin’ and should get the hell out of the way. Don’t even get me started on the topic of thongs. My ass cheeks would absolutely devour that little string. I would have to send in a search party to dig that sucker back out.
I see I’ve gotten off topic a little. I do realize that I have unresolved underwear issues and therefore talk about them more than what is considered to be normal. Sigh ….. I’ve tried to find a support group or 12 step program to help me with my undie issues, but apparently no one else needs help in this area, just me. Uhuhn, how about if I get back to the story now. Once we had decided that we were going to go to the movie we realized that we had to leave in 15 minutes if we were going to make it in time. It was then that I realized that all my panties were still in the washer. I started to panic, this was not a good thing. I needed my undies!! Merlin’s brainwave idea was to just go bronco style (bare assed). Um …… let me think about it for a minute …….. OH HELL NO!! There was no way I was going to go to the movie letting my girly bits be only one layer of cloth away from the theatre seats. Like hellooooooo, common sense would tell you that the seats cannot be cleaned daily, I understand that. I also understand that numerous different people have sat in the seats and I can only imagine how many of those people have farted on said seats!! Gag. Excuse me, my gut doesn’t feel so good thinking about all those week old, two week old, who knows how many week old fart germs that are lingering in the seats. Gag gag gag. Pardon me for a minute please while I stick my head between knees and do some deep breathing to regain my composure.
Okay, I think I’m good now. I called downstairs and asked Merlin what the status of the wash machine was. I swear he said it was almost done on the spin cycle but he claims he said it was still on the rinse cycle. When he asked me if he should put a pair in the dryer I said yes thinking that they had already been spinning and it wouldn’t be that far of a stretch to have them dried in ten minutes. I continued getting ready to go out and ten minutes later I asked Merlin the ETA on my ginch-a-roonies. Apparently mine and Merlin’s idea of what a tiny bit damp is are two very different things. I figured that if they were close to being done I could just iron them dry. I’ve done that with clothes before and it’s worked very well I might say. I learned a long time ago that wearing jeans that aren’t 100% dry can cause some very uncomfortable chaffing around the waist and in areas I would prefer not to discuss at this moment thank you very much. So I bounced down the stairs all excited to be going to the movie and skipped over to Merlin to retrieve my supposedly close to being dry underwear. Yah ………… a tiny bit damp ……… NOT!! I had to wring the s.o.b.’s out!! If that wasn’t enough of a set back I found out that the material my panties were made of was not iron friendly. As I was peeling my skivvies off the iron the wheels were a turning in my head trying to come up with a new game plan. I had to think like McGyver, he can always get himself out of sticky situations under pressure (and no, my undies weren’t sticky, they were just wet). Then it hit me. The microwave!! That wonderful little appliance that speeds up cooking and defrosting. If it can cook and defrost quicker I figured it could evaporate water quicker too. Drying clothes is just evaporating the water out of the garment. Boo-yah baby, how smart am I? I grabbed a dish towel, folded it to fit the glass plate thingy in the microwave and laid out my damp dainties on it and punched in three minutes. I needed to put the dish towel down first because I could see a little bit of chili had been spilled when Brandt heated up his lunch the day before and I didn’t think it would be much fun to have chili scented drawers. What if I ran into a pack of hungry dogs and they could smell the chili and came fast and furious at my ass looking for lunch in all the wrong places!! I would have a bloody stroke and would end up missing the movie. However, on the upside, chili smelling undies might come in handy to mask the smell of any farts I might let escape. How cool would that be? I could rip one off and the heat of it would warm up my panties bringing the chili smell to life again (just like those hot pads that you can buy with cloves and cinnamon in them that smell nice when a hot casserole is put on them). The worst that would happen is people around me would find themselves hungry and craving chili and that’s not really a bad thing people. Most excellent!! In the end I did decide to go with the unscented underwear option for this night.
Sadly, the microwave didn’t work. It just made them freakin’ hot! When I grabbed them out of the microwave after the three minutes, I burned my fingers and my natural reaction was to throw them. Unfortunately, I didn’t see Merlin standing just a few feet away from me and they thwacked him in the face. I was doubled over laughing and trying to blow on my burning fingers and Merlin just stood there shaking his head muttering, “That’s wrong. Just wrong. So so so very wrong. It’s just wrong!” He later told me that he was slightly disturbed at the sight of my skivvies being nuked and was afraid he might have nightmares. Or at the very least he may lose a few pounds because he won’t be able to heat up leftovers or make microwave popcorn for a long time, a very long time. Me, I couldn’t wait to tell Brandt where my undies had been leaving him traumatized and in need of even more therapy. Mwah ah ah ah ah!!! Anyways, with my ginch still being wet I was smacking myself on the forehead saying, “think McGyver, think!” As I was smacking my forehead I felt that my hair was still just a smidge wet and needed to be dried. Ha! I should have made Merlin touch my hair so he could see just what exactly a “tiny bit damp” really feels like!! I was heading back upstairs to dry my hair and it hit me. My blow dryer!! I could blow dry my undies along with my hair. Nothing like killing two birds with one stone. I was moving the blow dryer back and forth between my hair and my ginch when Merlin came and told me that we HAD to leave right now because we needed to make a quick stop before getting to the theatre and he didn’t want to be late. My panties weren’t quite dry but were very, very close. I once again put my brain in McGyver mode and came up with yet another fantabulous plan. I put my pants on and headed out the door with my undies in hand.
I had at first considered rolling the window down and letting my skivvies blow in the breeze to dry while cruising but I had visions of them getting snagged on the side mirror of someone driving beside us. How do you pull up beside someone and politely say without totally humiliating yourself, “I hate to bother you, but would you mind terribly if I retrieved my undergarment from your mirror? Pardon me? No!! It’s not a bloody horse blanket, it’s my underwear!! How rude, my ass ain’t THAT big.” Worse yet, what if I accidentally let go of them and they flew in someone’s open window and ended up spread out across their face, covering their eyes and causing a horrible accident. What would I be charged with? Driving without underwear care and attention? I would be so embarrassed especially if the police needed to take my undies as evidence. For years to come there would be that one evidence envelope that many an officer will find an excuse to look in just so they can tell their grandkids one day that they actually touched the underwear that caused the first undergarment related automobile accident that set the precedent in Canadian law. In my attempt to avoid any kind of incidents I just closed all of the vents except for the one right in front of me, cranked the heat up and held my panties in front of it. Damn spanky! It worked like a charm. I told you I was smart.
They had dried just in time as we pulled into the Dollarama parking lot. We always pick up a package of licorice and some kind of chocolate for Merlin at Dollarama because it’s like a third the price that you pay at the theatre. I decided to stick my now perfectly dry and wonderfully warm drawers in my purse before heading into the store. I didn’t want to leave them on the seat of the car just in case someone was to break in and steal them. I’ve heard there are perverts out there who like to take women’s panties and with mine being plus sized I could see some Merv the perv thinking he hit the mother load with mine. After reporting the break-in and theft try explaining to the police why there was a pair of underwear left on the seat of the car. Question, would I have to claim their theft through our vehicle or home owner’s insurance? Huhn ……. I wonder …… I should look into that just in case it ever happens. Hey, knowledge is power people. Another question, if they ever caught the pantie pincher what would he be charged with? Possession with intent to smell? Eeeewwww ……. Anywhooooo ….. it was a close call when I went to pay the cashier for the treats and my ginch got caught on my wallet and almost came flying out of my purse. It’s one thing to have them go soaring through the air and land on Merlin’s face but there could be legal issues if they got deposited onto the face of a stranger in public. Lucky for me I was able to pull my wallet out with nothing attached!! Incident avoided, yahoo!
Once we got back in the car and I had the treats stuffed down into my purse I asked Merlin just how I was supposed to gracefully and inconspicuously slip into my delightfully dry dainties while he was driving. I would hate to accidentally moon someone. I got one of those, “Are you seriously that dense?” looks. He suggested that I wait until we got to the theatre and hit the bathroom right away and put them on. Oh, he’s so smart!! Why didn’t I think of that? Probably because I was still remembering my panties being planted on his face back at home, it was too funny to forget any time soon. My thoughts soon drifted to what would happen if we were in an accident and the medics discover that not only was I not wearing clean underwear but I wasn’t wearing any at all! They might wonder what kind of upbringing I had and get all concerned about what’s happening to society when parents are no longer schooling their children in the importance of clean underwear at all times. I would be just horrified! When discussing this with a friend at a later date she did make a very good point. The medics would have to go into my purse to find my ID so they would know who I was and would end up finding my clean panties and even though my ass was as bare as a babies on the day it’s born I had made the effort to have clean underwear somewhere on my person. Phew! That made me feel so much better. What a brilliant friend she is!
At the end of the night I could report that we made it to the theatre with a few minutes to spare. I got my drawers on with no “incidents”, the movie was funny, the popcorn was just yummy and my date was a real hottie!! Merrrrrrr-rrroooowwwww! Most importantly, I was able to enjoy the evening because I knew there were two layers of cloth between my wazoo and the fart fume filled seat!! Life just can’t get much better than that folks!!
